Walk On Clouds

I was standing on a carpark today, waiting for the humongous amount of fried rice that I hope will carry me through to lunchtime tomorrow. As I was standing there I watched the clouds go by, deep eternal blue in the background, and dark green trees in front. It's amazing what these things can do to you. I watched the deep blue sky and marvelled at how my eyes can't seem to touch it. My eyes itch, like they were expecting to hit something but they can't. It's as if the sky was there but you have no proof that it's there. The clouds were running ahead, I could feel the winter breeze but the sun was up and it wasn't terribly chilly. I watched the trees, their branches shivered in the wind, as if they're feeling colder than me. I began to marvel at the details that my eyes caught. Now, I don't have perfect eyesight, and haven't been for more than maybe 15 years now. But I think what I have is pretty amazing still. I felt the breeze on my face. I took a deep breath and felt the cool air fill my lungs. I carried two cellphones in my pocket, one of which was the reason I was standing there alone instead of with my friends at that time. I felt my cheap jacket protecting my torso from the wind, my cheap haircut keeping my head warm, and my shoes letting me stand there comfortably. All these things, they brought me to a question: Is this it?

All these things that I have, what are they for? Sure, they are there for me to enjoy, gifts from my heavenly Father. But is that it? Is that all there is to life and all that I've been given? I'd like to think that everything exists for me. Eat, drink, be merry, for tomorrow we die. Really? I have a reasonably good job, get paid reasonably well, spend unreasonably low because unreasonably I live rent-free. For the past half a year my goal in life has mostly been to save up money to cover for the time that I lost in university. Save up, climb up the corporate ladder, jump up when the opportunity comes, because I've had a very late start and now I have to catch up with everyone else. Side question: who is "everyone else"?

It's been a while now since I've aspired to do anything more than just surviving work and saving as much money as I can, allowing space to improve the material quality of my life here and there. I bought a better car reasonably cheap. It's been quite a while since last time I had to think about whether or not I should spend money on coffee. Being single, employed, and rent-free, four bucks a week seem somewhat small now. I'm now saving up to set myself up some passive income, hopefully one apartment soon and three apartments in less than five years. Along the way add to that a better job, twice the pay in five years time, and hopefully a girlfriend. But is this it? Everything that I have in me, let alone outside of me, is this all they are for? I haven't taken much risks lately, haven't thought of higher things, haven't considered anything that isn't for me. I've been selfish, and I know it. It's comfortable, furnishing your own cave, adding things into it, putting more cushion on your bed. These things, they help you sleep at night. But what do you do when you're a fugitive chased by your own heart? What happens if one day your true heart catches up with you, and the true reasoon you exist breaks your shell open? To put it in the simplest way: Is my life meant for something more than just myself?

I've been quite comfortable lately. Yes I've had some really tough times at work since Easter, and I don't think it's gonna get easier there. But maybe it's time to stop playing victim, time to stop saying "I'm doing my best" because quite frankly I know I'm not. Maybe it's time to stop thinking "I'm doing what I'm supposed to do" because if that is true then why do I still feel guilty?

I think I still feel guilty because deep down I know this is my Ur, my Haran, and that somewhere out there in space and time unknown lies my Canaan. Unlike Abram, however, I haven't heard the voice that tells me to go out somewhere. But what if the call is not to a physical place, but to a spiritual place? What if the call is for me to get out of the cave of my heart, stop playing safe, stop saving my heart's limited energy, stop putting up so much defense, but instead start opening up again, start caring again, dare to be hurt again, dare to fail again without a sword in my arm ready just in case? How possible is it that maybe once the attitude of the heart is taken care of, the call will come and the doors will open?

Earlier this week I had a dream. There were about four-five people, one of which was an android, chasing something. I was privileged enough to be an eye in the sky, shadowing them as they went. They chased this thing all the way up to the mountains so high up that it went above the clouds. Then up the mountain they came to a dead end. They ended up on a cliff with pillars on them, as if once upon a time there was something there. At some distance away they saw this structure, I'm not sure what. It could've been something built on a cliff of a different mountain. It looked to me like a castle in the sky. The leader of the group [not sure male or female], as positive as ever, said "C'mon! Follow me! Just step where I stepped, and you'll be fine!" The group was, of course, not happy. But the leader kept on saying, "Trust me!" And then I was privileged again to see through each of their eyes. From the eyes of the leader I saw floating platforms that they could jump on, all the way to the other castle in the sky. After some thought, some people in the group could see it too, although some still could not. Then I went to the android's head and I couldn't see it. The android, because it had to calculate everything, couldn't see what the humans could. I heard it calculating over and over again, and came always to the same conclusion: there's nothing there. It struck me there. Not only calculations are not smart enough to see these things, they can also disable you from seeing. Your tools can be precisely the things that stop you. In the end, the group went anyway, like Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. Everybody followed the leader's steps exactly. For those who could see it before, the platforms reveal themselves as they step on them. For those who couldn't, they looked down and all they saw was clouds. They couldn't explain how they're still there, but they couldn't deny that the leader was right afterall. At that point, all everybody could think of was just to follow the leader's steps exactly. How and why were no longer important. It wasn't a short journey either. It's not only scary to start, but it's also terrifying in the middle when you realize that you're doing something impossible and there's no turning back. It's those moments when you think, "What the heck have I gotten myself into...." But you have no choice but to keep going forward. In the end, they managed to get to the other end, all safe and nobody died, exactly like the leader said.

When I woke up I got the feeling that that was God. It's like God was insisting, "Trust me." "Just follow my steps, and you'll be fine. Wherever I'm telling you to go, I've been there before. I'll be walking just ahead of you." You can't expect any voice from heaven any clearer than that in this lifetime. Doesn't mean it's easy to do, though. So the challenge is there, the order is more or less there, the facility is pretty much guaranteed. In the end, the question remains:

What're you gonna do with this gift, dear child?
Get life, get love, get soul?
There is no reason to hide