Event Horizon, B-Side

An event horizon is a line on the horizon of a black hole where there is no turning back, so it's also known as a point of no turning back. But that means every second of our lives are mini event horizons. This is the flipside of this year's story, or accumulation of stories.

I've gained a lot and lost a lot this year, but I still believe I stand to gain a lot more. Much more. It was a rollercoaster ride start of the year, and quite frankly it was super exciting. I've done so many things I didn't think I'd ever do, twisted and turned my life in ways I've never imagined before. Most importantly, I met a few people that turned out to be very important in my life. For the opportunities to get these people into my life, I'm forever grateful.

In saying that, it hasn't been a walk in the park either. As I said, from Easter onwards work got insane, and it distorted me in ways I didn't know possible. As I said, my passion for people wore out, something I never thought possible. Luckily it didn't poison my roots. I still have great passion for a select very few people in my life. For them I would put my neck on the line if need be. Some of them know it, some of them may not know it yet. It doesn't matter. What matters is that my roots are still there, and that's why I said I still stand to gain more than what I've lost even now.

It had been a very intense year. I cannot say this enough. I have experienced so many things I didn't think I would ever experience, taken steps I didn't think I would ever take. I took chances, some wilder than others. But what else would you do if you're desperate for change? Some of these chances would change my life forever, and I hope the effectual ones are the ones I'm hoping for. But even that is a risk I'm taking. What if the wrong things become big? Or if the right things become big in the wrong way? When you put financial investments it can only go down to zero at worst. But when you put your heart on the line, especially a tin man like me, things can easily go deep south of zero. The problem is, I want to live. I don't want to stay stagnant and live peacefully and uneventfully. Let's really live. I have jumped emotional cliffs this year, and I hope I wouldn't end up at the bottom of all of them. As the year comes to a close, the cliffs don't get any softer. In fact, they get taller and harder, the gamble gets bigger, the chances get smaller, the land gets tougher, the weather gets bitter, but the life? The life gets closer to God.

I got up an hour early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. The melancholy from last night still hung in the air for me. Out loud I pleaded with God. I didn't ask for an easier ride. I only confessed that I can't do this. There is no way I'll survive these life decisions, both public and secret. In my mind I thought I saw a tip of a blade. I stood on the tip, and everything else was white. All I could think of was, I need to hang on to God. That's the only way I'll get through this. There's absolutely nothing I can do to ensure my success. Imagine working your entire life to save up for a great retirement, and then on your way home from your last day of work you get hit by a drunk truck driver. Nothing I can do can save me. I'm responsible to do the best of my capacity, yes, but in the end nothing is sure. My only chance of being sure of anything is to hold on to God, because this rollercoaster sure ain't gonna get any slower.

From that point a song came into my head. I got out of bed, found the song, and sat there rocking out in my heart. I felt peaceful. Rockers never die. It felt amazing to me the simple event that God reminded me of a song whose lyrics spoke to me right where I was. It's a small gesture but to me this morning that was super huge. It told me that God was right there, and he cared. That has got to beat everything else. He may not give me everything I want, but he cares, and he got me covered. I will still feel pain and taste blood, yes, and some things will still hurt really really bad, but my world wouldn't end without his agreement. And I still believe he got the best for me in mind.

In the end, I know I'm facing not just giants, but giants of fire. Who knows what next year would throw at me. Even worse, who knows what else will I get myself into. Let it be known that I'm shaking in my pants in overwhelming anticipation. But let it also be known that I stand tall, looking forwards and upwards. I'm not Ali, but in the presence of my giants I can thump my chest all the same, while I look at them in the eye and declare: I got God.

In everything I do
I'm holding on to you

And when my world is falling down,
in You I will be found

Event Horizon

As the year draws to a close, I feel the need to make a record here of the state that I am in, a short history not of actual events but of metaphysical results, to be recorded here for a digital eternity.

I have gone through a lot this year. It was a whirlwind start, peaking at around Easter. After Easter work took over, and then it was a whirlwind of a different kind right to this moment. The fact that I have work running in the background while I'm putting these thoughts into words speaks for itself.

This year I've gained much, and I've lost much. I regret bitterly the fact that I have lost quite a big part of my humanity. Since Easter I have become a cold and machine-efficient man. I do what I like to do first and foremost, and I hardly ever stepped out of my comfort zone for others when I didn't feel like it. I regret to say that I have lost a lot of patience, a lot of general kindness, and a lot of love for the general public. I realize fully that operating right beneath my skin is a well-oiled machine geared for survival. I have evolved to put smooth-sailing and trouble-free safe day-to-day journey first and foremost in my daily life, without even thinking about it. I can blame that on so many things, like work, but I think that's just looking for an excuse. I am proud of what I have become in terms of skills in various areas in my life, but I very much regret that I have lost a lot of humanity in the process.

I found myself today sitting in the office, clicking away, making some progress in whatever I was doing. I began to wonder what it's like to live a different life. I wondered how my coming holiday is gonna feel like. The hot and humid air running through my nose, down my throat, filling my lungs. The strange and familiar cold white floor tiles. The dim white light. My faithful dog. The fact that everything is smaller and shorter. The fact that I can't see outside from my room, and so making staying at home the whole day a sanity-endangering exercise. And then I wonder what it's like if I overhaul my life and move back over, a Western-cultured kid in an Asian skin from a backwater Western country living in a poverty-stricken Asian megapolitan. An irony on so many levels at once. I'd end up a stranger in my own country, and nobody would know.

At this stage I'm a bit sick of my life at the moment. Many things are going right, even great. But at the same time so many things can't keep going the way they are without gnawing into my sanity. Therefore something needs to happen. Something needs to be made to happen. This coming holiday is the beginning. I haven't been home in nearly four years. In Jakarta terms, that's nearly an eternity. But then I thought, why wait? It begs the question, what can I do now? I think, not much. As I sit here in my comfortable multi-function room, I feel that my senses have dulled. I have no more creativity for things. I try to get up and run, and it feels like I haven't moved in ages. It's almost like there's nothing left for me to do in this country, in this setup. It really feels like I need something big, need to make something happen, need to take a huge step, brave a big risk, dare a big dream. It's not that I don't see problems around me to be solved, but it's that I have no answer to offer them. I found myself asking the same questions as people around me, and I have no answer even for myself, let alone them.

I read today how vehemently people stand opposed to Westfield's plans to upgrade St Lukes to twice the size. I understand the traffic complaints, no problem. But then came the argument that it will kill the smaller shopping strips. Well of course it will! People here prefer tranquil little neighborly things, while I prefer them big and steely. I don't know if it's just me or if it's an effect of being an Asian living here for more than a decade, but that's beside the point. This is New Zealand, and although her character is changing she is still mostly her old self. And there's nothing wrong with that. Not all countries in the world need to be big and built around networks of concrete jungles. I understand that much, I respect that much. But I want much more than that, and I have only a limited time to live. So maybe, just maybe, it's high time I move on.

I feel the need to emphasize here that my life is, on all accounts, going just fine. It's just that I want more than just fine, much much more. In what form this will take, I don't know. I hope this coming holiday will be a breakthrough for me. I still believe. I'm still hopeful. I'm still convinced this is not all there is to life. I still have faith that there are invisible bridges out there, undiscovered pathways, and unseen treasures. I still believe things can happen. I'm not a hopeless case.

The heart is a bloom
shoots up through the stony ground

It's a beautiful day!