Event Horizon

As the year draws to a close, I feel the need to make a record here of the state that I am in, a short history not of actual events but of metaphysical results, to be recorded here for a digital eternity.

I have gone through a lot this year. It was a whirlwind start, peaking at around Easter. After Easter work took over, and then it was a whirlwind of a different kind right to this moment. The fact that I have work running in the background while I'm putting these thoughts into words speaks for itself.

This year I've gained much, and I've lost much. I regret bitterly the fact that I have lost quite a big part of my humanity. Since Easter I have become a cold and machine-efficient man. I do what I like to do first and foremost, and I hardly ever stepped out of my comfort zone for others when I didn't feel like it. I regret to say that I have lost a lot of patience, a lot of general kindness, and a lot of love for the general public. I realize fully that operating right beneath my skin is a well-oiled machine geared for survival. I have evolved to put smooth-sailing and trouble-free safe day-to-day journey first and foremost in my daily life, without even thinking about it. I can blame that on so many things, like work, but I think that's just looking for an excuse. I am proud of what I have become in terms of skills in various areas in my life, but I very much regret that I have lost a lot of humanity in the process.

I found myself today sitting in the office, clicking away, making some progress in whatever I was doing. I began to wonder what it's like to live a different life. I wondered how my coming holiday is gonna feel like. The hot and humid air running through my nose, down my throat, filling my lungs. The strange and familiar cold white floor tiles. The dim white light. My faithful dog. The fact that everything is smaller and shorter. The fact that I can't see outside from my room, and so making staying at home the whole day a sanity-endangering exercise. And then I wonder what it's like if I overhaul my life and move back over, a Western-cultured kid in an Asian skin from a backwater Western country living in a poverty-stricken Asian megapolitan. An irony on so many levels at once. I'd end up a stranger in my own country, and nobody would know.

At this stage I'm a bit sick of my life at the moment. Many things are going right, even great. But at the same time so many things can't keep going the way they are without gnawing into my sanity. Therefore something needs to happen. Something needs to be made to happen. This coming holiday is the beginning. I haven't been home in nearly four years. In Jakarta terms, that's nearly an eternity. But then I thought, why wait? It begs the question, what can I do now? I think, not much. As I sit here in my comfortable multi-function room, I feel that my senses have dulled. I have no more creativity for things. I try to get up and run, and it feels like I haven't moved in ages. It's almost like there's nothing left for me to do in this country, in this setup. It really feels like I need something big, need to make something happen, need to take a huge step, brave a big risk, dare a big dream. It's not that I don't see problems around me to be solved, but it's that I have no answer to offer them. I found myself asking the same questions as people around me, and I have no answer even for myself, let alone them.

I read today how vehemently people stand opposed to Westfield's plans to upgrade St Lukes to twice the size. I understand the traffic complaints, no problem. But then came the argument that it will kill the smaller shopping strips. Well of course it will! People here prefer tranquil little neighborly things, while I prefer them big and steely. I don't know if it's just me or if it's an effect of being an Asian living here for more than a decade, but that's beside the point. This is New Zealand, and although her character is changing she is still mostly her old self. And there's nothing wrong with that. Not all countries in the world need to be big and built around networks of concrete jungles. I understand that much, I respect that much. But I want much more than that, and I have only a limited time to live. So maybe, just maybe, it's high time I move on.

I feel the need to emphasize here that my life is, on all accounts, going just fine. It's just that I want more than just fine, much much more. In what form this will take, I don't know. I hope this coming holiday will be a breakthrough for me. I still believe. I'm still hopeful. I'm still convinced this is not all there is to life. I still have faith that there are invisible bridges out there, undiscovered pathways, and unseen treasures. I still believe things can happen. I'm not a hopeless case.

The heart is a bloom
shoots up through the stony ground

It's a beautiful day!