The Only One I've Got

I was walking up a street tonight, and I saw this bunch of eastern European dudes coming down. Suddenly one of them unleashed a flying kick to the guy in the front. It was barely a nudge, hardly made a sound, almost like a friendly toss. But the guy tumbled over. I sidestepped him. The other guys went around him, threatening and cornering him, all with their broken English. I guess he did something real bad. A few paces later I looked back, and they were walking together again. Fake friends? Fake bullies? Fake power-tripping? Fake victim? Who knows.

I've been a fake many things. Most of the time I don't do a very good job at it. A fake friend. A fake drummer. A fake runner. A fake nice guy. A fake Christian. Most of the time I got caught, one way or another. I try to be true to myself, try to be authentic. Unfortunately, the authentic me is full of holes. I try to fix them, and in the meantime it's borderline fake. Unfortunately, I do a really bad job in faking that they look more like failures than anything else.

A lot has happened in the past few weeks, and it just gets crazier. I'm gonna start a new job soon, and it'll be a huge jump for me. A whole bunch of things are changing outside work too. I have just been given a green light to basically do crazy stuffs that, to my shame, caught me off guard. Because I was lazy I now find myself in a spot of opportunity and unprepared. Many horizons open up in front of me, some new some old, but all of them open wide. Problem is, most of them also come with storm clouds. But the only way to go is forward.

I am dirty, I am not worthy, I am unprepared. Things can go really bad from this point on, but what choice do I have. I can't go back and fix my mistakes. I can only bite my lip, take a deep breath, and push on forward. I have to take these chances, have to grab these opportunities. I have to try.

How I wish I can redo many things. How I wish I didn't make those mistakes. But as much as I mope and mull over it, there's nothing I can do about those now. They're gone and I can't fix them. Some I can pay for in the future, and I will gladly pay for them tenfold. But I know full well there will be some mistakes that I can't pay for, no matter what I do. I will just have to live with those. But oh what I would give for another chance...

This song caught me last night, and I can't stop listening to it. It speaks to me, about me, and for me. This is the sort of song that I listen to with headphones on, fist on heart, as if I can bring the music closer to me and I can make the words ring more true. It goes like this:

A crowded street can be a quiet place when you're walking alone
And now you think that you're the only
one who doesn't have to try
and you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fly
Then I guess you never will

You hide behind your walls of "maybe never"s
Forgetting that there's something more than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got

Memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing, but so little left to fill
You're scared to look back on the days before
You're too tired to move on

What would it take
To get you to say that "I'll try"
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life

You hide behind your walls of "maybe never"s
Forgetting that there's so much more than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got