I've had a bit of a crazier than usual day. After a rather average gig, I left feeling well that wasn't too special. Then we had a BBQ, unexpectedly running around more than I thought I would. There is something about running around with kids that just doesn't replicate in any other way. It's a happy day, and not just because I ended up with a week's supply of meat, cutting my expenses drastically. I got myself ice cream before going home. I hope this one wouldn't sit there for a year before I decide to throw it away uneaten. I even had a mug of it just now, a great improvement for me.
There is that mysterious glow that some people give off. I hung out with such people today. Running around with the kids, eating with them, listening to them talk about what they've been watching and playing, their heroes, and everything else. I didn't have the heart to tell Sammy that I think Naruto is very weak as a main character, that Kira Yamato is a complete jerk, and that I don't rate Athrun Zala going to Kira's side as "good". Instead I just uhm-ed and ahh-ed and nodded my way through his story. I sat looking out to space as a few grandmas asked me how mom is doing. I couldn't meet their gaze, for fear that I wouldn't be able to hold back tears. It's not so much the story that saddens me, as much as the gentle hearts and voices of old-timers reaching out to raw explosive hearts of the ticking time bomb that is youth. I watched as the parents bought some overpriced ice creams, and the disappointment in some of the kids' face as they found out they weren't gonna get any, and then the efforts of their peers trying to share their pain. For that very reason I went and bought for myself two liters of very cheap ice cream on the way home. It's one mess of a world out there, a chaos of emotions and conflicts, of people and personalities bouncing off each other. From that chaos I emerged wanting more. It was so outside my comfort zone, and yet I felt so alive after all that.
And when you walk away from a place carrying a new light, it is wise to use that light to help your way ahead. I have a lot to ponder about ahead. I have some risky hope this year. I believe, however, that no matter what happens, if worse comes to worst, my God is bigger still. This belief doesn't make me any less anxious. The higher you fly, the harder you fall. It's gonna hurt when everything comes crumbling down, I'm not fooling myself. I have learned to stop thinking what God will or will not do. The good thing about that is, that means things will happen beyond my wildest dreams. The bad thing is, that means I wouldn't always get what I want. Pain is on the way, there's no denying that for people who have their ego still attached. But I'm holding on. This is faith, I think. It's scary, it's crazy, it's undeniably insane. But what choice do I have? Between living secure in mediocrity, or reach for the skies risking suffering, I know which I'll choose everytime. And yet, this belief does nothing to tame my anxiety and fear for what the future us like.
That is what the chaos from today taught me. It was chaos, it was brutal, and a lot of things could go wrong. But it was warm. At this day and age, as I survive in the jungle of concrete and steel, warmth is something else altogether. For this very reason, I have great hope for the unknown ahead, in the knowledge that I have had firsthand account of such a chaos that didn't hurt me, but in fact warmed me up inside. I should have more of that.
The dog howled at his silver moon
Come down and keep me company
But the night is cold, the wind shivering
Because warmth will come only at the light of dawn
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Walk On Water
Once upon a time there was this guy. At one point in his life, this story happened. He and a bunch of mates were hanging out on a boat in the middle of a lake. Being experienced sailors, they were people who didn't mind spending the night on a boat. Only that night, this big crazy storm came and shook their party out. His mates, being the experienced sailors that they were, did all they could on the boat to keep it floating, wishing with every fibre in their bodies to come out through the night alive. The storm was raging, the boat was shaking, the wind was crazy, there was water everywhere, and the adrenaline rush was more than normal people could handle. But then this guy came out and saw something in the distance.
He saw what looked like a man appeared at some distance away from them, standing over the waves. On the unstable footing of the boat, the winds, under the pale and weak moonlight, this guy gazed to the distance onto that barely-visible figure. "Lord, is that you?" through the raging winds he shouted. "Yes, it is me", he heard the reply. An insane thought flashed in his mind. "Lord, tell me to come out there and I'll come out!" this guy shouted. The figure gestured him to come. Then our hero had a choice in his mind. The storm is raging. It's not comfortable in here anyway. But we're experienced sailors, we might just get through this if we play it cool. This is not our first storm, but it sure wouldn't be our last either. What do I do?
He made a step towards the edge. "Come back in here, man! What's wrong with you?" his mates called out. The guy was too lost in thought to be able to hear them. In fact, he could barely hear anything. The storm, the winds, the shaking boat, his mate's voice, even the figure out on the waves, they all blur in the background as his heart pounded and pounded and pounded, louder and louder. His thoughts came in and came out like a flood in his head. What makes you so sure it's who you think it is? If it's really him, then I can do this easy, no problem. You can still survive this, no need to risk your comfort zone. Yeah, but I don't like being shaken in a boat like this anyway. It's bad right now, but it's nothing new, you can get through this just like before.
Just like before....
But I'm sick of all my "before"s
The dog opened his eyes, startled. He wasn't even sleeping. The scene flashed through his head over and over again. He gazed upon the uncertainty ahead of him. Not the mist, not the road. The dog gazed ahead at the crossroads. Reality and fantasy blurred. Left or right became minor details. Faintly up ahead he saw a figure of a man, neither here nor there. The dog closed his eyes, took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, the figure was still there, as if waiting.
Lord, if that is you
bid me to come
He saw what looked like a man appeared at some distance away from them, standing over the waves. On the unstable footing of the boat, the winds, under the pale and weak moonlight, this guy gazed to the distance onto that barely-visible figure. "Lord, is that you?" through the raging winds he shouted. "Yes, it is me", he heard the reply. An insane thought flashed in his mind. "Lord, tell me to come out there and I'll come out!" this guy shouted. The figure gestured him to come. Then our hero had a choice in his mind. The storm is raging. It's not comfortable in here anyway. But we're experienced sailors, we might just get through this if we play it cool. This is not our first storm, but it sure wouldn't be our last either. What do I do?
He made a step towards the edge. "Come back in here, man! What's wrong with you?" his mates called out. The guy was too lost in thought to be able to hear them. In fact, he could barely hear anything. The storm, the winds, the shaking boat, his mate's voice, even the figure out on the waves, they all blur in the background as his heart pounded and pounded and pounded, louder and louder. His thoughts came in and came out like a flood in his head. What makes you so sure it's who you think it is? If it's really him, then I can do this easy, no problem. You can still survive this, no need to risk your comfort zone. Yeah, but I don't like being shaken in a boat like this anyway. It's bad right now, but it's nothing new, you can get through this just like before.
Just like before....
But I'm sick of all my "before"s
The dog opened his eyes, startled. He wasn't even sleeping. The scene flashed through his head over and over again. He gazed upon the uncertainty ahead of him. Not the mist, not the road. The dog gazed ahead at the crossroads. Reality and fantasy blurred. Left or right became minor details. Faintly up ahead he saw a figure of a man, neither here nor there. The dog closed his eyes, took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, the figure was still there, as if waiting.
Lord, if that is you
bid me to come
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Dog's Journey
A dog was walking down a country path. He met a lot of dangers on the road, and though he survived so far he knew there are much worse dangers out there in the world. Thus far into his journey, he came upon a fork in the road. Both paths still go forward, they just diverge quite a bit. On one side the road was what the road had always been. It's not easy, not hard, not safe, not dangerous, not plain, but not terribly exciting either.
On the other, was a gap on the ground, like a cliff down to nowhere. Across was an island, like a piece of land were chopped off the main road and stuck there like a detour. Thin mist floated lazily between the cliff's edge and the cutoff island. On the island, the dog saw something he had never seen before in his short life.
It was a spectre, standing silently, not mourning nor cheering. It was a siren, singing a brave song one moment and a tragedy the next. It was a ball of energy, seemingly unchained but at the same time looked as if it was chained with an invisible shackle to nothing but the mist. It was alive. It was like the dog and nothing like the dog. It was mysterious. To the dog's eyes it was warm, though the dog's paws went cold. It wasn't bright, it wasn't dim. It floated there like a butterfly under the moonlight. And for an instant the dog thought he mistook the butterfly for a hawk. His fur bristled behind his neck at the thought, but his eyes couldn't get away. Everything about the place calls out danger.
But I want it
The gap was big, and the mist was hiding something. The dog couldn't see what was behind the mysterious being, but if the chain was real then it was definitely something big. A giant wall of mist stood before the dog, and the gap laid open under it. What little scars the dog had had taught the dog that he had never challenged anything this big before. His heart beat faster. His fear grew bigger. The shadows grew longer. His paws got colder. His breath got quicker. His body shook harder.
But. I. Want. It
The dog faced the biggest wall he had ever thought of jumping in his entire existence. The cold steely gaze of reality stared back at him without mercy. The mist still stood. The gap still laid in wait. The mysterious being still fluttered about, courage and sorrow embodied, scars and beauty personified. The dog stood on a decisive moment in his life.
To be continued...
On the other, was a gap on the ground, like a cliff down to nowhere. Across was an island, like a piece of land were chopped off the main road and stuck there like a detour. Thin mist floated lazily between the cliff's edge and the cutoff island. On the island, the dog saw something he had never seen before in his short life.
It was a spectre, standing silently, not mourning nor cheering. It was a siren, singing a brave song one moment and a tragedy the next. It was a ball of energy, seemingly unchained but at the same time looked as if it was chained with an invisible shackle to nothing but the mist. It was alive. It was like the dog and nothing like the dog. It was mysterious. To the dog's eyes it was warm, though the dog's paws went cold. It wasn't bright, it wasn't dim. It floated there like a butterfly under the moonlight. And for an instant the dog thought he mistook the butterfly for a hawk. His fur bristled behind his neck at the thought, but his eyes couldn't get away. Everything about the place calls out danger.
But I want it
The gap was big, and the mist was hiding something. The dog couldn't see what was behind the mysterious being, but if the chain was real then it was definitely something big. A giant wall of mist stood before the dog, and the gap laid open under it. What little scars the dog had had taught the dog that he had never challenged anything this big before. His heart beat faster. His fear grew bigger. The shadows grew longer. His paws got colder. His breath got quicker. His body shook harder.
But. I. Want. It
The dog faced the biggest wall he had ever thought of jumping in his entire existence. The cold steely gaze of reality stared back at him without mercy. The mist still stood. The gap still laid in wait. The mysterious being still fluttered about, courage and sorrow embodied, scars and beauty personified. The dog stood on a decisive moment in his life.
To be continued...
Monday, January 11, 2010
State of the Heart
A random ramble just to prove I'm still alive and writing.
A butterfly flutters in the midnight sky. Cutting through the wind, she ponders, where will I land, what will I find? Enveloped in darkness, guided by the shy Moon and the faint dispersed stars, she travels the sky. I hope I'll get there, I hope I'll get there. Get there where? Somewhere out there, I don't care.
A dog howls to the moon. Long unchained, he still feels restrained. I am no longer chained, but the ground still binds me. So he howls to the moon, knowing where light is, basking in its glory, can't grasp it, can't grasp it, unless it comes down. So howl, dog, howl. Sing to your moon, bring its silver beauty down.
Shadows under the street lights, where are you going? Here and there, most roads lead to nowhere. Passing by, trying to fly, just can't get off the ground, not even making a sound. Don't mistake the street light above as the Moon up in the sky.
Dance, butterfly, dance. Let your wings go, fly away, find your way. Take to the midnight skies, navigate the chilly winds, reach the moon where it is brightest.
Howl, dog, howl. Take hold of your place, your inheritance, the wolf, the alpha. Run to the hills, to the highest place. Howl to the big light in the sky. Sing and bring down the light, the warmth, where you belong.
A butterfly flutters in the midnight sky. Cutting through the wind, she ponders, where will I land, what will I find? Enveloped in darkness, guided by the shy Moon and the faint dispersed stars, she travels the sky. I hope I'll get there, I hope I'll get there. Get there where? Somewhere out there, I don't care.
A dog howls to the moon. Long unchained, he still feels restrained. I am no longer chained, but the ground still binds me. So he howls to the moon, knowing where light is, basking in its glory, can't grasp it, can't grasp it, unless it comes down. So howl, dog, howl. Sing to your moon, bring its silver beauty down.
Shadows under the street lights, where are you going? Here and there, most roads lead to nowhere. Passing by, trying to fly, just can't get off the ground, not even making a sound. Don't mistake the street light above as the Moon up in the sky.
Dance, butterfly, dance. Let your wings go, fly away, find your way. Take to the midnight skies, navigate the chilly winds, reach the moon where it is brightest.
Howl, dog, howl. Take hold of your place, your inheritance, the wolf, the alpha. Run to the hills, to the highest place. Howl to the big light in the sky. Sing and bring down the light, the warmth, where you belong.
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