The Spring and The Mirage

I've had a bit of a crazier than usual day. After a rather average gig, I left feeling well that wasn't too special. Then we had a BBQ, unexpectedly running around more than I thought I would. There is something about running around with kids that just doesn't replicate in any other way. It's a happy day, and not just because I ended up with a week's supply of meat, cutting my expenses drastically. I got myself ice cream before going home. I hope this one wouldn't sit there for a year before I decide to throw it away uneaten. I even had a mug of it just now, a great improvement for me.

There is that mysterious glow that some people give off. I hung out with such people today. Running around with the kids, eating with them, listening to them talk about what they've been watching and playing, their heroes, and everything else. I didn't have the heart to tell Sammy that I think Naruto is very weak as a main character, that Kira Yamato is a complete jerk, and that I don't rate Athrun Zala going to Kira's side as "good". Instead I just uhm-ed and ahh-ed and nodded my way through his story. I sat looking out to space as a few grandmas asked me how mom is doing. I couldn't meet their gaze, for fear that I wouldn't be able to hold back tears. It's not so much the story that saddens me, as much as the gentle hearts and voices of old-timers reaching out to raw explosive hearts of the ticking time bomb that is youth. I watched as the parents bought some overpriced ice creams, and the disappointment in some of the kids' face as they found out they weren't gonna get any, and then the efforts of their peers trying to share their pain. For that very reason I went and bought for myself two liters of very cheap ice cream on the way home. It's one mess of a world out there, a chaos of emotions and conflicts, of people and personalities bouncing off each other. From that chaos I emerged wanting more. It was so outside my comfort zone, and yet I felt so alive after all that.

And when you walk away from a place carrying a new light, it is wise to use that light to help your way ahead. I have a lot to ponder about ahead. I have some risky hope this year. I believe, however, that no matter what happens, if worse comes to worst, my God is bigger still. This belief doesn't make me any less anxious. The higher you fly, the harder you fall. It's gonna hurt when everything comes crumbling down, I'm not fooling myself. I have learned to stop thinking what God will or will not do. The good thing about that is, that means things will happen beyond my wildest dreams. The bad thing is, that means I wouldn't always get what I want. Pain is on the way, there's no denying that for people who have their ego still attached. But I'm holding on. This is faith, I think. It's scary, it's crazy, it's undeniably insane. But what choice do I have? Between living secure in mediocrity, or reach for the skies risking suffering, I know which I'll choose everytime. And yet, this belief does nothing to tame my anxiety and fear for what the future us like.

That is what the chaos from today taught me. It was chaos, it was brutal, and a lot of things could go wrong. But it was warm. At this day and age, as I survive in the jungle of concrete and steel, warmth is something else altogether. For this very reason, I have great hope for the unknown ahead, in the knowledge that I have had firsthand account of such a chaos that didn't hurt me, but in fact warmed me up inside. I should have more of that.

The dog howled at his silver moon
Come down and keep me company
But the night is cold, the wind shivering
Because warmth will come only at the light of dawn