Event Horizon, B-Side

An event horizon is a line on the horizon of a black hole where there is no turning back, so it's also known as a point of no turning back. But that means every second of our lives are mini event horizons. This is the flipside of this year's story, or accumulation of stories.

I've gained a lot and lost a lot this year, but I still believe I stand to gain a lot more. Much more. It was a rollercoaster ride start of the year, and quite frankly it was super exciting. I've done so many things I didn't think I'd ever do, twisted and turned my life in ways I've never imagined before. Most importantly, I met a few people that turned out to be very important in my life. For the opportunities to get these people into my life, I'm forever grateful.

In saying that, it hasn't been a walk in the park either. As I said, from Easter onwards work got insane, and it distorted me in ways I didn't know possible. As I said, my passion for people wore out, something I never thought possible. Luckily it didn't poison my roots. I still have great passion for a select very few people in my life. For them I would put my neck on the line if need be. Some of them know it, some of them may not know it yet. It doesn't matter. What matters is that my roots are still there, and that's why I said I still stand to gain more than what I've lost even now.

It had been a very intense year. I cannot say this enough. I have experienced so many things I didn't think I would ever experience, taken steps I didn't think I would ever take. I took chances, some wilder than others. But what else would you do if you're desperate for change? Some of these chances would change my life forever, and I hope the effectual ones are the ones I'm hoping for. But even that is a risk I'm taking. What if the wrong things become big? Or if the right things become big in the wrong way? When you put financial investments it can only go down to zero at worst. But when you put your heart on the line, especially a tin man like me, things can easily go deep south of zero. The problem is, I want to live. I don't want to stay stagnant and live peacefully and uneventfully. Let's really live. I have jumped emotional cliffs this year, and I hope I wouldn't end up at the bottom of all of them. As the year comes to a close, the cliffs don't get any softer. In fact, they get taller and harder, the gamble gets bigger, the chances get smaller, the land gets tougher, the weather gets bitter, but the life? The life gets closer to God.

I got up an hour early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. The melancholy from last night still hung in the air for me. Out loud I pleaded with God. I didn't ask for an easier ride. I only confessed that I can't do this. There is no way I'll survive these life decisions, both public and secret. In my mind I thought I saw a tip of a blade. I stood on the tip, and everything else was white. All I could think of was, I need to hang on to God. That's the only way I'll get through this. There's absolutely nothing I can do to ensure my success. Imagine working your entire life to save up for a great retirement, and then on your way home from your last day of work you get hit by a drunk truck driver. Nothing I can do can save me. I'm responsible to do the best of my capacity, yes, but in the end nothing is sure. My only chance of being sure of anything is to hold on to God, because this rollercoaster sure ain't gonna get any slower.

From that point a song came into my head. I got out of bed, found the song, and sat there rocking out in my heart. I felt peaceful. Rockers never die. It felt amazing to me the simple event that God reminded me of a song whose lyrics spoke to me right where I was. It's a small gesture but to me this morning that was super huge. It told me that God was right there, and he cared. That has got to beat everything else. He may not give me everything I want, but he cares, and he got me covered. I will still feel pain and taste blood, yes, and some things will still hurt really really bad, but my world wouldn't end without his agreement. And I still believe he got the best for me in mind.

In the end, I know I'm facing not just giants, but giants of fire. Who knows what next year would throw at me. Even worse, who knows what else will I get myself into. Let it be known that I'm shaking in my pants in overwhelming anticipation. But let it also be known that I stand tall, looking forwards and upwards. I'm not Ali, but in the presence of my giants I can thump my chest all the same, while I look at them in the eye and declare: I got God.

In everything I do
I'm holding on to you

And when my world is falling down,
in You I will be found