Don't You Know That All My Heroes Died?

A conversation tonight made me realize that I have no role models anymore. The double-realization is that how quick I concluded that fact. I got no one to look up to these days. Nobody's perfect, nobody's even nearly perfect anymore, and that's fine. I like it like that. I like that I can pick and choose and learn from whoever I find light in. Suddenly flaws become strengths. In people's flaws I see their strengths, and learn all the same. By tracing their shadows I find their light. But is that it? Are there other implications to the fact that it it looks like all my heroes have died?

That's where Bon Jovi comes in. This is now the second time a Tuesday night lead me to a Bon Jovi binge. There is something here. I guess a gathering of people trying to open their lives, no matter that it's ever so slight, inevitably open the doors to memories of a time long ago when I had more of this kind, more often and much deeper. But it's been so long, and here I am so very far into the future but still talking of the same thing. I feel pathetic, like the guy in Byousoku, unable to part from my past and move forward to make a new history.

So what is it between Tuesday nights and Bon Jovi? And. That's right. "And" implies a joining, an act of addition, a formation of togetherness. I have no more heroes. That tells me that I have nobody to inspire and influence me on that level anymore. Seen in terms of circles of influence, I stand alone in the middle. Despite everything, I still do feel that I stand alone, fight alone, completely open to nobody. "And" is a significant issue in my life right now.

The thing with rock music is that it speaks to me. Long ago we used to refer to Jon Bon Jovi as Pastor, due to the way we sang along with him, and found ourselves holding our hands on our hearts as we sang his chorus. His songs spoke to us, back in those days. Maybe these songs still do. Maybe I should heed their voices. Theirs was not the only voice to preach this "And" thing to me. Wouldn't be the last either, I think. We were not designed to be alone. It's really hard for me to voluntarily open up and stay vulnerable in this world I live in right now. But this ain't what it's supposed to be, not what life is supposed to look like. There has to be a better way to live than this.

I'm walking around,
just a face in the crowd,
trying to keep myself out of the rain

But the stars ain't out of reach